Loss of music

Well, about 7 months ago my hard drive died and I discovered that the backup I was making on an external drive was selecting what it deemed important to backup instead of a complete backup which is what I thought it was making. What did that mean for me? Well, the loss of all the music I had downloaded (legally) since despite it being on my ipod, I can't get the bloody stuff back onto the new hard drive. It makes me sick thinking that I spent so much money buying music and now I have to buy it again... pathetic Apple. If anyone that comes to this page knows of a solid way of putting music from an ipod back onto a computer, please let me know.

I don't want to live in quasi fear that I will lose/damage my ipod and lose all the music I have on it. Granted this isn't the biggest problem in the universe, but music is important to me and it helps when exercising.

Ugly Casanova - Here's To Now

Here's to now
Here's to now

Actually, I was thinking
Said everything out loud
'Cause apricot seeds carry arsenic
That we don't worry about

Sitting on your doorstep
Waiting for you to come home or come out
Well apple seeds have cyanide
That we don't care about

So here's to now
Here's to now

Buildings built sturdy
Rolled up and every time
And the bees get aged and the bellies get to sag
Well the people fall right out

Pride is really falling
I'm proud that I'm not proud
And as the people get aged and the bellies get sagged
Well their instincts all fall out

Here's to now
Here's to now

Here's to now
Here's to now

The bus boy's younger brother
When he drinks he talks too much
He seemed normal to me
But at quarter to three
Well I could see he was a little bit touched

Actually, I was thinking
Said everything out loud
'Cause apricot seeds carry arsenic
That we don't care about

Here's to now
Here's to now

Here's to now
Here's to now

Actually, I was thinking
Said everything out loud
Well actually I was thinking
So here's to right now
Here's to right now

Here's to now
Here's to now

Here's to now

Albert's Memorial

If I didn't get it before, the point is continued to be driven home. Watched a couple of movies between going to the gym and studying. The first one I watched was Albert's Memorial. This one hit very close to home. Highly recommend this film and it is actually very close to my experience with the other side (having 'odd' things happen so one ends up exactly where one needs to be and meeting people who guide my way).

Albert: Seventy bloody six and what have I got to show for it? Bugger all. A few words, a few faces. If someone was to say to me were you ever really alive? Do you know what I'd say?

I've stopped myself from being alive fully and living. There is something about this go round that has stopped me from being alive with other humans. Always being beholden to others, never being entirely sure of myself. Always feeling lesser than, that I am doing something wrong, etc.

The only time I have felt it to be ok to be who I am is in nature. When hiking across the Yorkshire moorland, bracing myself against the winds of the Orkney Islands, trudging in the snow of the Swedish Arctic Circle, feeling the spray of Argentinian side of the Iguaçu Falls, sleeping next to the sea in Espiritu Santo, smelling the pines of the Rocky Mountains en route to a peak, slowly walking along the rocky cliff with Dumb Dumb (yellow lab) who had adopted me for the day in Doolin, touching the 1000 year old oak trees in Wiltshire, squeezing through a small hole in a cave in Hungary testing both my will and strength, sitting beside the river in northern France, feeling the peace at the top of a mountain in the Taebaek mountains...

Considering I live in an expansive urban city, it seems that I have lived, but really only alone and in nature. Despite repeated attempts and various failed relationships, I need to learn how to be alive and live with others. How do I learn to play nice with others?

The other film I saw yesterday was All my friends are funeral singers. It isn't really a film I would recommend for anything other than the music. I loved it for the jamming sessions.

Metro Ambulance Practicum

Yup. That's where I'm going to be... with the big dogs. I have orientation March 10th and will start on the 13th. Not going to lie to you, I am nervous. I was anticipating another rural practicum for the ambulance as all other students have gone out to rural sites. I was trying to stop myself from hoping for a rural, resting in more a 'what will be will be' attitude. Nervous that I will have to wear a bullet proof vest and deal with really, really nasty stuff.

With all the EMS coverage I have been a part of so far it has been all pure trauma, medical or a combination thereof... but safe. This will now kick me into another gear where I will actually need to look at the hands to see if there is anything in them that could harm me, look around for dangers, look under the person's body before log rolling/feeling for deadly bleeds because there may be some hidden needle. Yes, I do it already, but this is different (somehow it is in my brain).

Wow.

Mumford & Sons - Awake My Soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

Awake my soul, awake my soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

Against the Current

Yet another film about life/death (I must not have gotten the hint sufficiently, and I am not choosing these movies). This one can be recommended due to the banter between the characters. I found the dialogue to leave me giggling because of the dry humour.

Beyond the humour, there was a song part way through the movie by the Red House Painters called 'rollercoaster'. One line of the song is "Reminding me I'll never be able to relive this day, except in memory." Maybe for many this point is obvious... and although I know it cognitively, it is so easy to let days pass without doing anything productive or even remembering one day as distinct from the next.

I won't go into the details, but this point was driven home in 2006 when I couldn't remember the events from a few months prior. I have been living my life in a bit of a haze. This raises an important point. In the cycle of wakefulness, work/school, sleeping, eating, and hopefully sex, how does one distinguish one day from the rest? It seems like an never-ending cycle, but it does have an end and when one gets to the end and they look back, how do you circumvent thinking 'Holy fuck! What the hell have I done with my life and what a load of useless crap have I been worried about/involved with?'

Creating positivity on a daily basis. Rising above the small bullshit. Eating tasty food (and actually savouring it). Touching people (in appropriate manners). Moving my body every day (i.e., exercise and along with that hopefully being outside for part of it and noticing nature's beauty and wonder). These are bits of what I am aiming for. Doing something to remember the day as distinct from the next because even if it is a seemingly endless cycle of wake/work/eat/sleep, each day is different and it is only us who can make it different mentally (because we perceive it to be the same despite the reality that each is different). Even if you do the same thing exactly the same 20 times, it will never actually be the same.

What does it mean to go against the current for me? To live in the present instead of being swept into the past or pushed into the future.

Björk - It's Oh So Quiet

it's. oh. so quiet
it's. oh. so still
you're all alone
and so peaceful until...

you fall in love
zing boom
the sky up above
zing boom
is caving in
wow bam
you've never been so nuts about a guy
you wanna laugh you wanna cry
you cross your heart and hope to die

'til it's over and then
it's nice and quiet
but soon again
starts another big riot

you blow a fuse
zing boom
the devil cuts loose
zing boom
so what's the use
wow bam
of falling in love

it's. oh. so quiet
it's. oh. so still
you're all alone
and so peaceful until...

you ring the bell
bim bam
you shout and you yell
hi ho ho
you broke the spell
gee. this is swell you almost have a fit
this guy is "gorge" and i got hit
there's no mistake this is it

'til it's over and then
it's nice and quiet
but soon again
starts another big riot

you blow a fuse
zing boom
the devil cuts loose
zing boom
so what's the use
wow bam
of falling in love

the sky caves in
the devil cuts loose
you blow blow blow blow blow your fuse
when you've fallen in love

ssshhhhhh...

Afterwards

Hmm. Another movie about life and death. I am not choosing these movies, but they are coming to me. This one is not a horror or thriller. It is a quiet movie that explores what one is to learn during life and how to live.

An individual is to live in the moment, fully and completely. There were other quotes that I didn't write down nor remember but it is worth watching. Obviously this is something I need to work through properly and move on from.

Considering I will be going on the ambulance practicum within a week or so and will likely need to deal with the death of patients, I had better work through whatever issues I have now. With the recent bombardment of messages I am getting, it is obvious that I need to do so soon.

Metamorphasis or mortification

Not one for thriller/horror movies, really. 'After life', however, kept me watching despite itself or myself.

It made me think, which is a good thing for a movie to do. "Why do we die?" "To make life important." Another theme was that people had died inside long before their body had died.

How does one deal with life? What do you want your life to be? "I kept wanting it to be different, but it was the same day after day" (another quote from the movie)

What would make life worth living for you? Is your life even worth living? If not, why not? If it is, how is it?

I'm not going to lie to you. I have really struggled with his question and often find myself wanting - trying to grapple with whether my life specifically is worth it. I mean, I'm here so there is a reason for me being here, but I do not feel that I am getting it or doing what I need to do. I'm floating through life living on different continents, doing radically different jobs, getting university degree after university degree, but I'm still not satisfied that I am or have done what I need to.

I realised a few years ago that those who surround me will be there after I kick off (much to my chagrin). The troubles I struggle with now are the struggles I will have after death. We all have different ideologies/theologies and this is mine.

How does one live a life worth living? Satisfaction of self and circumstance, being at peace? Breathing deeply and telling yourself it'll be all right? I just don't understand if I am pacifying and lying to myself or if it is the truth. I'm just tired of being desperately unhappy with myself. I do a lot of interesting things, have lead an incredibly diverse life so far, I am not a complete ding dong, but I find myself wanting... it's still not good enough. *I* am still not good enough.

I wonder if this is the remnants of evangelical x-ianity that still has its hooks in me.

How, then, should I live? The truth is that I want to live. Fully, completely and connected but I am not at the moment.

Cast some light. That's what popped to mind. Will go ponder.

To see or not to see... that is the question

We look at things all the time but do we actually see? Consider the fact that at least once in your life you have probably noticed something different or new after encountering the same walk/bus ride/classroom/office/etc day after day. It was always there, you just happened to now notice it. It is not the 'thing' that is different, but it is you that has changed.

How many people could we have really connected with do we scurry past without noticing, how many experiences should we have had but we were too preoccupied with ourselves, how many shooting stars/rainbows/utterly breathtaking sunrise/sets do we miss because we couldn't be bothered to look up?

This point has been driven home on different occasions in my life. As my previous partner and I explored each other's lives early on in our relationship, I discovered that he lived around the corner from where I was taken to a football match as a date with another guy in 2003. In fact, I could have walked right past him only to meet him a few years later and then end up with him for another 4.5 years.

I guess I am wondering about the people we are seemingly destined to meet. If we miss the opportunity once (because we're gazing at our navel or shoes) are we given a second chance? I know for a fact I was once, but how many more opportunities pass me by because I don't see them for what they are? How does one learn to see rather than just look?

J. Tillman - When I Light Your Darkened Door

When I light your darkened door
When I light your darkened door
When I light your darkened door
Will you curse the day?

When your name breaks on my lips
When your name breaks on my lips
When your name breaks on my lips
Will you know the sound?

There are roses in your hair
And a lily on your breast
And a longing in your heart
Will you be ashamed?

Conversing with the one-dimensional man

With the short stint on the internet dating thingamabob, I must confess that the internet is a very, very odd place. Dating websites are filled with people with intentions as diverse as the ocean is wide. Some are there to cheat on their partner, others are bored and just want to play a game to see what's out there, yet others are lonely and looking for a partner... *any* partner, while some are socially inept and can't seem to get it on properly in real life.

I think I fall into the last category. I wondered why I was getting hit on by all the old guys and the ones that I was actually attracted to didn't approach me. Well, it seems that I smile at people I don't feel threatened by... hence getting hit on by raisins. :)

Online, there isn't that issue. Some really hotter-than-hell men (if those are actually their real photos) contacted me when I had a profile up. I kept in contact with a couple people. What I am finding is that internet dating is for the birds, *vultures* to be exact.

Everyone is so busy that they think that it is safer to go the internet dating route instead of meeting someone in a more genuine way. It is safer, for certain, but it isn't real. People have perverse ideas about who they are (we're all a bit biased about ourselves since we can't see from someone else's perspective) and it's all one-dimensional.

Must learn to smile at the cute guys as opposed to avert the gaze as they pass or look my way while I blush...

Bahamas - Already Yours

Is it really that much sweeter
On the other end of that receiver?
There's no need to convert a believer
I'm already yours
I'm already yours

Well I ain't that special someone
You should spend a night with a fun one
Someone who mates to become one
I'm already yours
I'm already yours

Well I always said don't mind me
But your love always seems to find me
It's always creeping up behind me
I was never yours
I was never yours
Is it really that much sweeter
On the other end of that receiver?
There's no need to convert a believer
I'm already yours
I'm already yours

Well I ain't that special someone
You should spend a night with a fun one
Someone who mates to become one
I'm already yours
I'm already yours

Well I always said don't mind me
But your love always seems to find me
It's always creeping up behind me
I was never yours
I was never yours

Clinical - Days 2 & 3

12 hour shifts are tiring when you're running around like a chicken with your head cut off. I got into the hospital on the second day and my preceptor asked if I would be ok to stabilise a 3 week old boy for circumcision. What does one say other than sure? I held this little guy down while the doctor circumcised him and I must say that I am infinitely grateful not to have endured that procedure. I do, however, appreciate the adult male circumcised penis after experiencing both circumcised and uncircumcised with people I've been with in a biblical way. Keep it clean, gents.

The doctor explained while he was performing the surgery that 10-15% of adult males need to be circumcised and that it is far more painful than at a young age (but it's best to get it done 7-10 days after birth). I also did a bit of reading and circumcision also prevents penis cancer (which strikes 1 in 1000 men)- I am not certain of the veracity of the statement, but I feel I should go out and make a ribbon for penis cancer. Maybe the ribbon can be shaped like a flaccid penis... (I am laughing at the thought)

Before I left the hospital at the end of day 3 I looked around from the nursing station. The two single bed day-rooms with doors to the left. Three beds with curtains and the crash cart beside the E1 bed straight ahead. To the right and beside the bathroom five more beds with curtains. My mind looking at all the beds and seeing all the the different people who had laid in them over the past 3 days. It is humbling to see first hand how many people are helped by hospitals and all the touching stories.

As I looked to the far right corner bed, then back to the centre E2 bed (because he was moved for surgery) I am still amazed at the pleural effusion that did not want to be transferred to another larger hospital for a surgery. He was ornery and demanded to have his lung punctured right there and then... which the Dr. capitulated. Amazing to see the Litre of liquid suctioned out of his lung and the fact that it looked exactly like the urine on the counter that was about to be sent to the lab. Who would have known? I certainly didn't and I have so very much to learn.

Clinical - Day 1

Wow. The day was utterly manic. I arrived early and within 30 minutes the day was hopping. It gave me a keen appreciation of what happens in ER and what the nurses need from ambulance crews.

I got the nursing equivalent of a gold star from my preceptor Kathleen: "Student jumped in to help with anything within her scope. We had a very busy day in ER and we really didn't get to show her around, but was always willing to help."

Lots to say but little energy. I'm back for another 12 hour day today.

Waffles

Wow. I had no idea that I had a love affair going on with waffles. The hotel has a breakfast that rivals many of the larger chains and the beds comfy. What I have not seen before is the fact that you can make your own waffles fresh.

They're so good! So good, in fact, that I am looking forward to 05:30 to have more :)

No, there isn't an espresso maker here, nor any Italian deli/coffee shops.

I did get checked out though. He didn't know there was a mirror and he looked back. I must look alright in the uniform.

A Shine of Rainbows

Pressing on with my need for sloth I have spent a bit more time watching movies. The latest is called A Shine of Rainbows. If you are looking for a feel good movie about love, I would certainly recommend it. It's a girl movie, but that's ok, isn't it?

Human Interest Story - More at 11

Why is it that when one shows little interest, other parties show greater interest. Isn't that a bit perverse? Shouldn't it be the reverse?

Lounging

The day was spent lounging. Officially not doing anything save relax. I did a bit of indoor gardening then watched movies. 3 of them.

Started off with Kucklehead. Oh, won't someone save the orphanage?! Mild mind candy. I didn't turn it off.

A Bunch of Amateurs. Worn story line about a washed up actor going to the UK under false pretences and ends up helping to save the theatre in a village. Again, simple mind candy. Nothing to write home about.

A complete History of my Sexual Failures is about a guy named Chris who has never held down a job and has a string of failed relationships (as the title denotes). I suspect I didn't turn it off because I have had men in my life who are like Chris. Irresponsible and unable to commit. I also saw a friend of mine in Chris. The 'weird uncle' whom no one really understands. I watched it to the end despite wondering why I was watching a documentary about such a loser who is obsessed with his flaccid penis. Infinitely glad he wasn't my boyfriend.

Abandoned

Tried watching this movie last night. Ultimately, I fast forwarded it and eventually just turned it off. Don't waste your time or money on it, that is my verdict.

Flobots - We Are Winning

Rival gangsters sit down to plan an after school program.
A religious fanatic posts footage of an interfaith service project.
A group of teenage boys watches a video of a father playing catch with his son.
An adult film star paints thumbnail portraits of elderly couples fully clothed an smiling.
A record executive records a demo of his apology.
A policeman makes reverse 911 calls instructing residents to take to the streets.
A patriarch reports for duty.
She's wearing an orange jumpsuit and holding a picket sign.
She's ashamed of her birthplace, but retreat is not an option.

Women and Children
Front line
Log on
Tune in
Stand and be counted, wounded, stationed
In the belly of the vulture watch your back
There's no civilians
Women, Children
Front line listen
Consider this a distant early warning
The fires imminent
Pollution gathering dust particles
Funneling through smokestacks, airways, bandwidth
This information tube fed
Check the labels
Delete the virus
Alert the masses.

Butterfly wing cross wings. send black hawks toward hurricane survivors.
Roses sprout from empty lots and sidewalk cracks.
Pacifist gorillas move undetected through concrete jungles.
New forms are beginning to take shape.
Once occupied minds are activating.
People are waking up!
The insurgency is alive and well.

Rise of the flobots
Portrait of
The new American insurgent
Rattle and shake the foundations of the world order
Assembly line incent, resist, refuse
Inform, create
Direct loved one's to the trenches
Suit up forge rubble into fortress's
Plaster, cloth, aluminium
Broken porcelain
Rusted platinum
Burn blood stains from decompressed diamonds
Hammer the battle cry into Braille studded armour.

We are building up a new world.
Do not sit idly by.
Do not remain neutral.
Do not rely on this broadcast alone.
We are only as strong as our signal.
There is a war going on for your mind.
If you are thinking, you are winning.
Resistance is victory.
Defeat is impossible.
Your weapons are already in hand.
Reach within you and find the means by which to gain your freedom.
Fight with tools.
Your fate, and that of everyone you know
Depends on it.

Yu Suk

I had a really fun last couple of days teaching first aid. I was oddly tongue tied and fumbling, I need to teach at least a couple classes a month to keep the groove, I think as it's been almost 2 months since I taught. This class was crazy and came up with questions like, if there is someone taller than me and they're choking, it is ok to put a midget on my shoulders to reach the right spot so the tall person doesn't have to get on their knees? Fun times.

It broke from tongue tied and fumbling when I looked closely on the roster. I had a chap who called himself Joseph in the class. That wasn't his actual name though (he was Korean). His name is: Yu Suk.

I giggled and couldn't stop smiling. I can see why he changed it to Joseph while communicating with non-Koreans.

Don't get trapped

Adem - Launch yourself

I've been trying, fixing the problem
You pressed the button
To launch yourself while I was outside

I heard a spark ignite
I saw a ball of light
I watched you lifting off
There could be no mistake
My hope and faith misplaced
I saw you lighting off

You pressed the button
To launch yourself, while I was outside
You left me standing
While you broke through the atmosphere

I guess you thought you'd start
A new clean sheet and heart
From when you lifted off
I watched you disappear
A ringing in my ear
From when you lifted off

You pressed the button
To launch yourself while I was outside
You left me stranded
While you broke through to other worlds

You left me stranded
While you broke through to other worlds
You pressed the button
To launch yourself while I was outside
You left me stranded
You launched yourself while I was outside
You pressed the button
To launch yourself while I was outside
You left me stranded
You launched yourself while I was outside

Isle of Destiny - Inis Fáil

I felt an indescribable desire to look into where I am going to do my clinical practicum. After learning that this is normally indicative of something that I must do, I googled the town (I also looked to see if there was a Starbucks there - there isn't so I'm crossing my fingers that there is an Italian in town who makes a mean espresso somewhere).

It turns out the name is Inis Fáil in the original language which translates into the Isle of Destiny. I've been at this for long enough to get the tingly 'oh wow, that's crazy!' sense. Maybe I'll just try to chill and realise that things are working together to put me in the right places at the right times.

So difficult to believe that anyone gives a crap about me, it's humbling that there is some sort of meaning behind all this.