This song has been running through my head periodically during this tour and this is the first time I've looked at the lyrics. I just loved the song (which if you notice, there is a link any time I have lyrics so you can hear the song as well) and now I love it even more:
***
still protecting the magic feather
holding tight to your supporting crutch
writing scripts on worn out leather
still waiting on a divine touch
try to ride on waves of activity
in every direction
you're the centre and you're always free
in every direction
feeling safe enough to abandon the void
ban the zero, ban the noise
quiet sounds picked up and dissected
all faint shadows reflected
try to ride on waves of activity
in every direction
you're the centre and you're always free
in every direction, in every direction
in every direction, in every direction
in every direction
still protecting the magic feather
holding tight to a supporting crutch
writing scripts on worn out leather
still waiting on a divine touch
try to ride on waves of activity
in every direction
you're the centre and you're always free
in every direction
you're the centre and you're always free
in every direction, in every direction
in every direction, in every direction
in every direction
31.3.11
26.3.11
Zero 7 - Speed Dial No. 2
I don't need you anymore
I'm okay and I am sure
I don't need you anymore
Yeah I'm ok, I'm reassured
And I don't need you not today
I promise I'll call, I promise I'll say
I don't need you not to stay
And if you ever need me I'll reciprocate
Your shoulders in my pocket
Speed dial No. 2
See you when I need you
See you when I do
See you when I do
Do you need me, I am here
Can you ask, can you be clear
Yes you need me, I appear
Now you are me, I am here
My shoulders in your pocket
Speed dial No. 2
Call it when you need me
See you when I do
See you when I do
Call me when you need me
Just call me when you need me
Call me when you need me
See you when I do
***
I heart you s. I need you. :)
I'm okay and I am sure
I don't need you anymore
Yeah I'm ok, I'm reassured
And I don't need you not today
I promise I'll call, I promise I'll say
I don't need you not to stay
And if you ever need me I'll reciprocate
Your shoulders in my pocket
Speed dial No. 2
See you when I need you
See you when I do
See you when I do
Do you need me, I am here
Can you ask, can you be clear
Yes you need me, I appear
Now you are me, I am here
My shoulders in your pocket
Speed dial No. 2
Call it when you need me
See you when I do
See you when I do
Call me when you need me
Just call me when you need me
Call me when you need me
See you when I do
***
I heart you s. I need you. :)
25.3.11
Taxi rides into the white light
This tour has been a whirl wind ride. Amazing to look back at it and re-live each call.
I would say that the tour could safely be divided into 3 categories: the bat-shit crazy, the taxi riders and the genuinely ill.
D1 T2:
The tour began with a self-inflicted abdominal 'stab' wound (a very lame/weird attempt to demonstrate his love for his 21 y/o girlfriend) and the first time an officer rode in the back of the unit with us. Much rolling of eyes over the displayed virulence and dramatics. 2 medical emergencies (one of whom is not long for this world due to a failing renal system), 1 taxi ride.
D2 T2:
Respiratory distress that coded in front of me. CPR, intubation, fucking shit show in the back of the unit. I am trying to understand why the Lifepack that worked without a problem, self tested at 03:00 and re-checked by me at 05:00 (and worked without a glitch the previous tour) suddenly died and was useless despite full batteries. Everything that could go wrong, did. Her anatomy disallowed 2 attempts at intubation, the third successful, etc etc. She was very ill, 75, a laundry list of ailments. It was a bit of a shell shock that I had actually performed CPR on a real person as opposed to a dummy, that she had died (called at the hospital shortly after getting into the code room) and all the events before getting to the hospital in the back of the truck and the way in which I found her. 4 medics (had to call in backup for a new Lifepack), myself, a family member in the front seat looking on, and the dying.
I will be honest. At one point when I was doing CPR, I felt someone else in the unit. It was a girl, between 8-10 years old. I did not see her, I felt her. She stood between the medics looking at the old lady, with mucus covering her upper lip, eyes open but vacant, blood coming up the EI tube, drugs being pushed, analyses being done, the ambulance bouncing down the road lights and sirens, but there she was... and then wasn't.
At the gym later I was on the treadmill when the Bat for Lashes song randomly played. Tears began to well. The woman's death had affected me but I didn't realise it at the time. It wasn't my death or anyone I knew. I took care of her to the best of my ability but she still died. I am actually ok with that, but it was still the first time I'd seen anyone die.
As I have been working through what happened on that call, I am coming to believe that there actually may be a destined point/time to die (I wasn't sure about it before. I also don't think people committing suicide falls into this category, can't explain why but it doesn't feel like it does). I cannot fathom why everything went so very pear shaped and the Lifepack packing it in (then working perfectly fine after - we've switched it out for a different unit just to be sure, but it worked just fine for the remainder of the day before the switch over).
The only other call that day was a taxi ride for person who had gout. Yes, you read that right. Taxi anyone?
The two night shifts were filled with the crazy, sick and taxi rides.
It's a strange business being an EMT student.
I would say that the tour could safely be divided into 3 categories: the bat-shit crazy, the taxi riders and the genuinely ill.
D1 T2:
The tour began with a self-inflicted abdominal 'stab' wound (a very lame/weird attempt to demonstrate his love for his 21 y/o girlfriend) and the first time an officer rode in the back of the unit with us. Much rolling of eyes over the displayed virulence and dramatics. 2 medical emergencies (one of whom is not long for this world due to a failing renal system), 1 taxi ride.
D2 T2:
Respiratory distress that coded in front of me. CPR, intubation, fucking shit show in the back of the unit. I am trying to understand why the Lifepack that worked without a problem, self tested at 03:00 and re-checked by me at 05:00 (and worked without a glitch the previous tour) suddenly died and was useless despite full batteries. Everything that could go wrong, did. Her anatomy disallowed 2 attempts at intubation, the third successful, etc etc. She was very ill, 75, a laundry list of ailments. It was a bit of a shell shock that I had actually performed CPR on a real person as opposed to a dummy, that she had died (called at the hospital shortly after getting into the code room) and all the events before getting to the hospital in the back of the truck and the way in which I found her. 4 medics (had to call in backup for a new Lifepack), myself, a family member in the front seat looking on, and the dying.
I will be honest. At one point when I was doing CPR, I felt someone else in the unit. It was a girl, between 8-10 years old. I did not see her, I felt her. She stood between the medics looking at the old lady, with mucus covering her upper lip, eyes open but vacant, blood coming up the EI tube, drugs being pushed, analyses being done, the ambulance bouncing down the road lights and sirens, but there she was... and then wasn't.
At the gym later I was on the treadmill when the Bat for Lashes song randomly played. Tears began to well. The woman's death had affected me but I didn't realise it at the time. It wasn't my death or anyone I knew. I took care of her to the best of my ability but she still died. I am actually ok with that, but it was still the first time I'd seen anyone die.
As I have been working through what happened on that call, I am coming to believe that there actually may be a destined point/time to die (I wasn't sure about it before. I also don't think people committing suicide falls into this category, can't explain why but it doesn't feel like it does). I cannot fathom why everything went so very pear shaped and the Lifepack packing it in (then working perfectly fine after - we've switched it out for a different unit just to be sure, but it worked just fine for the remainder of the day before the switch over).
The only other call that day was a taxi ride for person who had gout. Yes, you read that right. Taxi anyone?
The two night shifts were filled with the crazy, sick and taxi rides.
It's a strange business being an EMT student.
22.3.11
Bat For Lashes - I Saw a Light
I saw a light
I saw a light
Coming through the trees
I saw a light
Coming through the trees
Freshly cut lawns
And little children sleepwalking
I saw a light
I saw a light
Shining on a car
And a couple inside
Had committed suicide
Death in your arms
Death in your arms
I saw a light
I saw a light
Coming through the trees
And I packed my things
After I saw the light
I packed my things
The light gave me life
Helped me see more clearly
And the children went to sleep
And the car was towed away
And the leaves were rustling
As the night turned to day
I saw a light
Getting smaller in the distance
And I said goodbye
I saw a light
Coming through the trees
I saw a light
Coming through the trees
Freshly cut lawns
And little children sleepwalking
I saw a light
I saw a light
Shining on a car
And a couple inside
Had committed suicide
Death in your arms
Death in your arms
I saw a light
I saw a light
Coming through the trees
And I packed my things
After I saw the light
I packed my things
The light gave me life
Helped me see more clearly
And the children went to sleep
And the car was towed away
And the leaves were rustling
As the night turned to day
I saw a light
Getting smaller in the distance
And I said goodbye
21.3.11
In the moment
I think I am finally realising what being in this field is really all about and why I was dragged into it. I was listening to the patient today, trying to catch all the information he was giving me - history, medications, allergies, etc while taking all the vital signs and remembering what they were... with the time all this was taking place. It really is a juggling act keeping all the info straight, then wiping the hard drive clean for the next patient so you don't mix up people's information.
As I was driving home, it popped to mind that this is actually a large lesson in how to live in the moment. Something I am horrific at doing. My life has been all about the future, regretting the past and not living for the now. Deferred pleasure, waiting until I complete x degree before I let myself do y thing (as an example).
Listening to these people with their problems brings me to the here/hear and now. If I don't stay here, I lose information. I wish I had a partner working with me, but all I have is my memory and 2 preceptors watching me and stepping in if/as they need to.
I'm grateful for this opportunity of learning. How do you stay in the moment?
As I was driving home, it popped to mind that this is actually a large lesson in how to live in the moment. Something I am horrific at doing. My life has been all about the future, regretting the past and not living for the now. Deferred pleasure, waiting until I complete x degree before I let myself do y thing (as an example).
Listening to these people with their problems brings me to the here/hear and now. If I don't stay here, I lose information. I wish I had a partner working with me, but all I have is my memory and 2 preceptors watching me and stepping in if/as they need to.
I'm grateful for this opportunity of learning. How do you stay in the moment?
20.3.11
Hazards of the job
Well, I just spent 40 hours heaving, sleeping or dripping out the other end. We transported two people with the flu, one of which was hacking and we put a mask on her, but it may not have been quick enough. The other was so sick from a diabetic emergency due to a lack of insulin in her body that she didn't do much of anything.
I really do try to keep my hands clean at all times and really, really try not to stick them near my eyes, nose or mouth, but it happens. I did wash my hands for 20 seconds after touching the dirty man so it wasn't him...
Blech, I hate vomiting.
I really do try to keep my hands clean at all times and really, really try not to stick them near my eyes, nose or mouth, but it happens. I did wash my hands for 20 seconds after touching the dirty man so it wasn't him...
Blech, I hate vomiting.
17.3.11
Eeeew - You touch dirty men...
Right. Urban outdoorsman. ER waiting hallway. 1.5 hours. He wakes up from the rubbing alcohol he drank and needs to urinate but can't walk or use his hands (save bat at his member like he is paralysed from the wrist down).
Since I did not want to clean urine off the floor, I took his member (gloved hand) and placed it in the bag. The bag shook him after (I was controlling the bag).
My version of public service? My 2 preceptors were there, saw, didn't want to do it themselves, and I will likely never live this down.
Since I did not want to clean urine off the floor, I took his member (gloved hand) and placed it in the bag. The bag shook him after (I was controlling the bag).
My version of public service? My 2 preceptors were there, saw, didn't want to do it themselves, and I will likely never live this down.
16.3.11
15.3.11
Let's play... sacrifice the student
So. If you were experienced, well seasoned in EMS and always wore your bullet proof vest to calls because you worked in the hood (the station I'm at is also the busiest in the city according to my preceptor), would you ensure your students also had a vest?
I'm not angry, I'm just wondering why metro plays sacrifice the student, because I don't think that my preceptor would allow his students to be put in harms way if it were his choice. I was told that I would not be sent into dangerous situations, but if that was the case then why does my preceptor and partner need their vests? I'm just curious. These things aren't adding up in my mind.
Very busy day yesterday. Was bone tired from not really sleeping and being stretched in new situations.
Tonight and tomorrow are nights.
I'm not angry, I'm just wondering why metro plays sacrifice the student, because I don't think that my preceptor would allow his students to be put in harms way if it were his choice. I was told that I would not be sent into dangerous situations, but if that was the case then why does my preceptor and partner need their vests? I'm just curious. These things aren't adding up in my mind.
Very busy day yesterday. Was bone tired from not really sleeping and being stretched in new situations.
Tonight and tomorrow are nights.
13.3.11
Lost in translation
Day 1 of my ambulance practicum. I have an amazing preceptor, I'm happy to report. That was, without doubt, one of the greatest contributors to the anxiety that was building over the past month. He's simply amazing. Not in a puppy dog love way, but in a feeling of confidence in his skill and knowledge level.
There were only 3 calls, which is quite quiet for this station (it's the hood). I took it upon myself to run the third call, which went all right. Nothing to write home about (or even discuss).
What was worthy of attention and thought was call 2. We were dispatched to a woman who had fallen down the stairs. As we arrived, I held c-spine. The lady had 2 children - an 11 month old and a 4 year old. My preceptor's partner held the 11 month old because they were crawling around. The lady was Spanish and spoke English well, but with an accent.
Fire showed up, we boarded her and got her into the ambulance. Her husband came shortly thereafter and was going to follow behind as soon as he rationalised the children.
We were en route to the hospital when my preceptor and I were asking detailed questions. It turns out that this lady was taking her 11 month old downstairs to breast feed when ***THEY*** fell down the stairs.
Holy crap. Let me tell you I have never seen an ambulance parked on the side of the road (for something other than a car accident), but there we parked, calling the husband, creating a rendezvous point to do an assessment on the infant.
The lady said she had told dispatch that she was holding her infant when she fell, but there was some sort of loss in the translation to the information we received.
Lesson for the day: never believe dispatch and be a detective.
There were only 3 calls, which is quite quiet for this station (it's the hood). I took it upon myself to run the third call, which went all right. Nothing to write home about (or even discuss).
What was worthy of attention and thought was call 2. We were dispatched to a woman who had fallen down the stairs. As we arrived, I held c-spine. The lady had 2 children - an 11 month old and a 4 year old. My preceptor's partner held the 11 month old because they were crawling around. The lady was Spanish and spoke English well, but with an accent.
Fire showed up, we boarded her and got her into the ambulance. Her husband came shortly thereafter and was going to follow behind as soon as he rationalised the children.
We were en route to the hospital when my preceptor and I were asking detailed questions. It turns out that this lady was taking her 11 month old downstairs to breast feed when ***THEY*** fell down the stairs.
Holy crap. Let me tell you I have never seen an ambulance parked on the side of the road (for something other than a car accident), but there we parked, calling the husband, creating a rendezvous point to do an assessment on the infant.
The lady said she had told dispatch that she was holding her infant when she fell, but there was some sort of loss in the translation to the information we received.
Lesson for the day: never believe dispatch and be a detective.
12.3.11
10.3.11
Mishka - My Love Goes With You
If there was one song that I could sing to help you through each and every day
I would sing a song to remind you that were only ever living for today
My love goes with you yeah, in all that you do
My love goes with you yeah in all decisions that you make.
Well sometimes we get so tired of the struggle when we seems as if there's no way out
Umm so caught up in desire and so hot that you no fire and you're lost in doubt
My love goes with you yeah in all that you do
My love goes with you yeah in all decisions that you make
In every book you reading and every glass of water you're drinking
In every breath you're breathing and in every little thought that you're thinking
I hope that you can find a little free time for yourself
Yeah I hope that you can find a little music after your own heart.
Cause my love goes with you yeah in all that you do
Umm I hope that you can find your balance between the mystic and mundane
I hope that you can navigate your way between the sacred and profane
Yes I hope that you can find your vision between the sunshine and the rain
That you find your truth within and when you do it doesn't cause you too much pain
Cause my love goes with you
My love goes with you
My love goes with you
My love goes with you
Yeah you know I get so concern and I wonder how you're gonna make it
If I cant be there for you all the time how you gonna take it
Well then I don't worry no cause my love is strong
Then I don't worry no no no my love for you lives on and on and on
And my love goes with you with in all that you do
My loves goes with you in all decisions that you make
My love goes with you every where you go
My love goes with you, my love goes with you
Yeah ooooooooooh
I would sing a song to remind you that were only ever living for today
My love goes with you yeah, in all that you do
My love goes with you yeah in all decisions that you make.
Well sometimes we get so tired of the struggle when we seems as if there's no way out
Umm so caught up in desire and so hot that you no fire and you're lost in doubt
My love goes with you yeah in all that you do
My love goes with you yeah in all decisions that you make
In every book you reading and every glass of water you're drinking
In every breath you're breathing and in every little thought that you're thinking
I hope that you can find a little free time for yourself
Yeah I hope that you can find a little music after your own heart.
Cause my love goes with you yeah in all that you do
Umm I hope that you can find your balance between the mystic and mundane
I hope that you can navigate your way between the sacred and profane
Yes I hope that you can find your vision between the sunshine and the rain
That you find your truth within and when you do it doesn't cause you too much pain
Cause my love goes with you
My love goes with you
My love goes with you
My love goes with you
Yeah you know I get so concern and I wonder how you're gonna make it
If I cant be there for you all the time how you gonna take it
Well then I don't worry no cause my love is strong
Then I don't worry no no no my love for you lives on and on and on
And my love goes with you with in all that you do
My loves goes with you in all decisions that you make
My love goes with you every where you go
My love goes with you, my love goes with you
Yeah ooooooooooh
9.3.11
All About Steve
I watched a horrible movie called All About Steve and would not recommend it unless you have had a lobotomy recently. I didn't turn it off, however. I guess that tells you where my brain is at.
What made me continue to watch, I guess compulsively, was due to the fact that it was about a woman who basically stalks a guy named Steve. If you read what I wrote yesterday, perhaps you may find it slightly humorous if you have a perverse sense of humour.
At the end, there is a quote “As human beings, we have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces,” Will Short. I'm still pondering this statement. Perhaps more another time, perhaps not.
Then a word of wisdom from the main character Mary. "If you love someone, set him free. If you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place"
Does anyone who reads what I write laugh at the way the universe unfolds in front of me? It's funny, isn't it? I didn't choose this movie, it was just next on the tab on my computer and has been waiting for about a week for me to watch it. I really am not choosing when or which movies I'm watching, I am just working my way down the alphabet on a movie site.
I think it's funny. Thank-you to whomever it is that is setting it up, it amuses me greatly.
What made me continue to watch, I guess compulsively, was due to the fact that it was about a woman who basically stalks a guy named Steve. If you read what I wrote yesterday, perhaps you may find it slightly humorous if you have a perverse sense of humour.
At the end, there is a quote “As human beings, we have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces,” Will Short. I'm still pondering this statement. Perhaps more another time, perhaps not.
Then a word of wisdom from the main character Mary. "If you love someone, set him free. If you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place"
Does anyone who reads what I write laugh at the way the universe unfolds in front of me? It's funny, isn't it? I didn't choose this movie, it was just next on the tab on my computer and has been waiting for about a week for me to watch it. I really am not choosing when or which movies I'm watching, I am just working my way down the alphabet on a movie site.
I think it's funny. Thank-you to whomever it is that is setting it up, it amuses me greatly.
8.3.11
Who would you run after?
I was given the advice by a lady, then again I read it in a publication within 24 hours of one another. The description was slightly different but the gist was the same.
'Don't run after a bus or a man, another one will come along soon'
I discounted the lady because she seemed the type to be gruff leaning towards bitterness. The second time I read the words, I found myself with a furrowed brow. I want to believe this glib statement, but after thinking about it... I can't. I don't know about you, but I'm quirky and picky. If I find someone who is a big spoon to my little spoon, who makes me laugh, smells nice, doesn't eat with their mouth open, is intelligent, spiritually seeking, doesn't have habits that could ruin them or you (i.e., a friend of mine has a husband with a gambling problem that has utterly ruined them... he's a lovely man and she loves him dearly, but after years of working on the relationship, forgiving, forking over money and losing houses, she's finally asked for a divorce - after seeing her struggle, I am aware of how destructive certain habits/addictions can be), I don't want to let them go on a whim.
I'm not talking about stalking. If the person says 'see, ya' (and it has happened in 2 of my 3 major relationships), I don't stalk them... I deal with the personal fall out of feeling like shite. What I'm saying is that I believe in trying to work out problems. Or I did.
I don't know what I believe in now. As I type, I thought I would be with my last guy forever and I would have walked over anything to get to him. It was an odd relationship, an odd match, an odd coming together, a rocky start, but once together in a real way, I never wanted to let it go. Circumstances, however, dictated differently. An ocean suddenly separated us, no money for either of us to travel back and forth, his grown children, and time (a little over 3 years) suddenly became factors.
It wasn't mean on his part to say "you're better off without me, go find someone else", it was just heart wrenching. I'm misting at the eyes as I type. I don't really want to find someone else, but I'm glad I don't have to deal with his indecision and quirks... but I don't want other quirks and other foibles to deal with. I'm 39 this month and am rather enjoying the quiet bedroom sans snoring and a full bed to toss and turn with covers at my disposal.
Thinking about it, I guess I don't run after the men who leave, but I'm not holding my breath that another suitable person will come along. We don't choose who we fall for, however, so maybe I should just be quiet. No one knows what the future holds.
And the gentleman whom I identified as Han this weekend sent an email asking if I'd like to go out (the crazy other little guy who was hitting on me and every other woman also asked me out, but I'll disregard him). He is nice, but I know he is a Christian... which doesn't jive with me. So, do I go through the time, effort and energy to get closer to someone who isn't what I would consider 'right'? I like him as a person and would love to have him as a friend. Do I just say that so there aren't mismatched expectations and go from there? Why are there ever only questions with very few clear answers?
'Don't run after a bus or a man, another one will come along soon'
I discounted the lady because she seemed the type to be gruff leaning towards bitterness. The second time I read the words, I found myself with a furrowed brow. I want to believe this glib statement, but after thinking about it... I can't. I don't know about you, but I'm quirky and picky. If I find someone who is a big spoon to my little spoon, who makes me laugh, smells nice, doesn't eat with their mouth open, is intelligent, spiritually seeking, doesn't have habits that could ruin them or you (i.e., a friend of mine has a husband with a gambling problem that has utterly ruined them... he's a lovely man and she loves him dearly, but after years of working on the relationship, forgiving, forking over money and losing houses, she's finally asked for a divorce - after seeing her struggle, I am aware of how destructive certain habits/addictions can be), I don't want to let them go on a whim.
I'm not talking about stalking. If the person says 'see, ya' (and it has happened in 2 of my 3 major relationships), I don't stalk them... I deal with the personal fall out of feeling like shite. What I'm saying is that I believe in trying to work out problems. Or I did.
I don't know what I believe in now. As I type, I thought I would be with my last guy forever and I would have walked over anything to get to him. It was an odd relationship, an odd match, an odd coming together, a rocky start, but once together in a real way, I never wanted to let it go. Circumstances, however, dictated differently. An ocean suddenly separated us, no money for either of us to travel back and forth, his grown children, and time (a little over 3 years) suddenly became factors.
It wasn't mean on his part to say "you're better off without me, go find someone else", it was just heart wrenching. I'm misting at the eyes as I type. I don't really want to find someone else, but I'm glad I don't have to deal with his indecision and quirks... but I don't want other quirks and other foibles to deal with. I'm 39 this month and am rather enjoying the quiet bedroom sans snoring and a full bed to toss and turn with covers at my disposal.
Thinking about it, I guess I don't run after the men who leave, but I'm not holding my breath that another suitable person will come along. We don't choose who we fall for, however, so maybe I should just be quiet. No one knows what the future holds.
And the gentleman whom I identified as Han this weekend sent an email asking if I'd like to go out (the crazy other little guy who was hitting on me and every other woman also asked me out, but I'll disregard him). He is nice, but I know he is a Christian... which doesn't jive with me. So, do I go through the time, effort and energy to get closer to someone who isn't what I would consider 'right'? I like him as a person and would love to have him as a friend. Do I just say that so there aren't mismatched expectations and go from there? Why are there ever only questions with very few clear answers?
6.3.11
You are powerful.
Right. How the hell is one to respond to that statement? Today I taught a CPR class filled with personal trainers and a couple of non-trainers. It was an uber fun class with reviews such as "Jane was tons of fun" and "Jane was amazing, no complaints" - I absolutely love teaching CPR/First Aid. Even though it is exactly the same material class after class, the people are all different and their perspectives are unique. I make first aid fun and memorable, with people coming up to me months afterwards and thanking me.
That last sentence might sound like complete and utter bollocks, but it isn't. I don't have a lot of things that I think I am good at, but teaching is one of those things that I can stand confident that I'm not an idiot. I have an ability to make learning fun and make it stick. I'm grateful that I have that gift.
What I was not expecting, however, was a woman who stayed after the class was finished to let me know that the moonstone around my neck began to glow brighter as the day progressed and that it was obvious that I had abilities. She looked me in the eye and told me "You are powerful, I can see it".
I don't quite know what to do with that. I do have a thing that happens in my hands and do have knowledge that pops to mind about people and things that I don't know, know but it has come to me. Last night I asked a guy if he was of Han ancestry. He looked at me incredulously... like I had 2 heads. I don't know, it just popped to mind and so I said it. A couple summers ago I looked at a bracelet a woman was wearing and asked where she got it in Turkey. I had no clue that it came from Turkey, but it popped to mind that it did and it actually did. This kind of thing happens with regularity.
Where does this knowledge about people/events and healing tingling palms come from? I don't know but I respect it.
Powerful? I won't be holding my breath that I am. Whatever it is that is out there is powerful. I'm just a vessel and trying to learn how to be a better recipient of knowledge/ability.
That last sentence might sound like complete and utter bollocks, but it isn't. I don't have a lot of things that I think I am good at, but teaching is one of those things that I can stand confident that I'm not an idiot. I have an ability to make learning fun and make it stick. I'm grateful that I have that gift.
What I was not expecting, however, was a woman who stayed after the class was finished to let me know that the moonstone around my neck began to glow brighter as the day progressed and that it was obvious that I had abilities. She looked me in the eye and told me "You are powerful, I can see it".
I don't quite know what to do with that. I do have a thing that happens in my hands and do have knowledge that pops to mind about people and things that I don't know, know but it has come to me. Last night I asked a guy if he was of Han ancestry. He looked at me incredulously... like I had 2 heads. I don't know, it just popped to mind and so I said it. A couple summers ago I looked at a bracelet a woman was wearing and asked where she got it in Turkey. I had no clue that it came from Turkey, but it popped to mind that it did and it actually did. This kind of thing happens with regularity.
Where does this knowledge about people/events and healing tingling palms come from? I don't know but I respect it.
Powerful? I won't be holding my breath that I am. Whatever it is that is out there is powerful. I'm just a vessel and trying to learn how to be a better recipient of knowledge/ability.
No score!
I taught a first aid class yesterday to a bunch of guys who install cabinetry in new houses. One joker arrived more than 30 minutes late and was off. I gave him a chance, but when he chose to be my casualty I smelled a combination of alcohol and pot on his breath so it then made sense why he was just looking at people instead of doing the practical exercise. I gave him 3 chances to get with the program... then sent him home. He said I was picking on him, but after he left his co-workers thanked me for getting rid of him. I guess he's a bit of a problem at work.
Then, went to a potluck and games night with a bunch of people and met some new faces. One was 10 years younger than me and was hitting on me so hard I thought I'd be black and blue by the end of the night. It wasn't really a flattering thing, however, because despite him telling me how beautiful I was, etc etc (you know, the regular lines) he would ask me the same question again and again. Then flit off to talk to other beautiful women. I think he just needs to get jiggy with someone and it isn't going to be me. To top it off, he kissed my hand at the end of the night and asked if we could go on a tea date.
I said only if I had a chaperone. This guy had wandering hands and a one track mind. Granted it has been 3 and a half years since I have gotten jiggy with anyone because I was in a monogamous long distance relationship so I really wouldn't mind finding a suitable lover... this jackass, however, certainly was not him.
Then, went to a potluck and games night with a bunch of people and met some new faces. One was 10 years younger than me and was hitting on me so hard I thought I'd be black and blue by the end of the night. It wasn't really a flattering thing, however, because despite him telling me how beautiful I was, etc etc (you know, the regular lines) he would ask me the same question again and again. Then flit off to talk to other beautiful women. I think he just needs to get jiggy with someone and it isn't going to be me. To top it off, he kissed my hand at the end of the night and asked if we could go on a tea date.
I said only if I had a chaperone. This guy had wandering hands and a one track mind. Granted it has been 3 and a half years since I have gotten jiggy with anyone because I was in a monogamous long distance relationship so I really wouldn't mind finding a suitable lover... this jackass, however, certainly was not him.
4.3.11
I'd trust you with...
My life.
My god. How does one reply to someone saying that? I was teaching a Standard First Aid re-certification today (please never go the re-certification route unless you are a health care professional... normal people forget everything in the span of 3 years and I feel it is on the verge of morally incorrect to take the course and it will be the last time I teach it) when, on a break, I was speaking with a volunteer coordinator. (side note: I volunteer a ship load, more hours than any sane person would give in a year)
She was inquiring about what I'm doing since she had been on maternity leave and has just returned to work. When telling her that I would be on an ambulance in a week, she replied without a split second passing or blinking: "I'd trust you with my life. I really would."
It makes that thing (you know what I'm talking about) well up in my throat and my eyes mist.
All I can say is that I will do my best to take care of the people who come to me. The trust people place in me is humbling. I don't want to screw it up.
I don't even know what I said. Most likely some self-degrading half joking comment at my own expense.
I'll do everything in my power to keep you alive and well if you are ever under my care. The rest is up to you and your fate - neither of which I have control of.
My god. How does one reply to someone saying that? I was teaching a Standard First Aid re-certification today (please never go the re-certification route unless you are a health care professional... normal people forget everything in the span of 3 years and I feel it is on the verge of morally incorrect to take the course and it will be the last time I teach it) when, on a break, I was speaking with a volunteer coordinator. (side note: I volunteer a ship load, more hours than any sane person would give in a year)
She was inquiring about what I'm doing since she had been on maternity leave and has just returned to work. When telling her that I would be on an ambulance in a week, she replied without a split second passing or blinking: "I'd trust you with my life. I really would."
It makes that thing (you know what I'm talking about) well up in my throat and my eyes mist.
All I can say is that I will do my best to take care of the people who come to me. The trust people place in me is humbling. I don't want to screw it up.
I don't even know what I said. Most likely some self-degrading half joking comment at my own expense.
I'll do everything in my power to keep you alive and well if you are ever under my care. The rest is up to you and your fate - neither of which I have control of.
Blister city
I went cross country skiing yesterday. It was long past due to get out of the city and into nature. The kind of nature where all you hear is the creaking of pines, wind whispering through the needles, and your own breathing. Occasionally, I would hear a bird - the only two were chickadees in single tree chatting to one another and a curious raven.
At the midway point, I had my traditional lunch fare. Ginger tea with ginseng thrown in - this mixture (considering the potency of the ginger) would make hair grow on anyone's chest and warm you from your toes to your head. Lovely feeling in the cold. A sandwich on rye bread, tons of greens, smoked gouda as the cheese, and I didn't feel like eating meat meat so I had fake turkey. Ending the meal was a small handful of cadbury mini eggs mixed into my home made trail mix (pecans, walnuts, almonds, dried blueberries and cranberries). Delicious. The only word for it. When hiking or skiing, this is what I love to eat, which also satisfies the tummy and muscles.
Turning back, I made the painful realisation that the last time I skied was 2 years ago and the reason why I hadn't skied since was because it left an indelible mark on my skin the last time (but it was a first - I had been skiing for years on these two pieces of wood and in these boots). Yesterday was the second and last time I will wear those boots unless I figure something out. One cannot simply whimper and decide not to go on unless you have a death wish when you're in the middle of nowhere skiing. I invited people to come with me, but everyone was busy. What can one do but soldier on.
Just measured the behemoths. The blisters that have manifested are the same size as my eye...
Yesterday I remembered, however, the utter and complete joy of skiing. I will have to invest in new boots/skis and get back out there before everything melts.
At the midway point, I had my traditional lunch fare. Ginger tea with ginseng thrown in - this mixture (considering the potency of the ginger) would make hair grow on anyone's chest and warm you from your toes to your head. Lovely feeling in the cold. A sandwich on rye bread, tons of greens, smoked gouda as the cheese, and I didn't feel like eating meat meat so I had fake turkey. Ending the meal was a small handful of cadbury mini eggs mixed into my home made trail mix (pecans, walnuts, almonds, dried blueberries and cranberries). Delicious. The only word for it. When hiking or skiing, this is what I love to eat, which also satisfies the tummy and muscles.
Turning back, I made the painful realisation that the last time I skied was 2 years ago and the reason why I hadn't skied since was because it left an indelible mark on my skin the last time (but it was a first - I had been skiing for years on these two pieces of wood and in these boots). Yesterday was the second and last time I will wear those boots unless I figure something out. One cannot simply whimper and decide not to go on unless you have a death wish when you're in the middle of nowhere skiing. I invited people to come with me, but everyone was busy. What can one do but soldier on.
Just measured the behemoths. The blisters that have manifested are the same size as my eye...
Yesterday I remembered, however, the utter and complete joy of skiing. I will have to invest in new boots/skis and get back out there before everything melts.
3.3.11
Pass the Jelly
Well, I must confess, I did not purchase this book and I do not remember receiving it as a gift. I was looking for a business card the director gave me before I left, rummaging through the boxes of office/desk things from when I worked in the government (no, I have not unpacked the boxes... I just keep foraging on an as needed basis - I loathed the job so much that I almost find it painful to look through the boxes). I didn't find his card (good thing I have a few brain cells and remembered the pattern the government uses for email addresses) but I did discover this book.
It could be that someone gave it to me, but I can't imagine who it would have been from that place. The last week or so in that job was so filled with anxiety and angst that all I remember doing is feeling like crap and wondering why things had turned as they had.
At any rate, I found this book so I thought there might be a reason for it. You may think me stark raving mad, but it wouldn't be the first time an object has simply appeared. It does not happen often, but it has happened. I normally dislike books that are 'spiritual' but seem to have been given 3 so far that are thought provoking if not actually interesting. Allow me to share a bit of this book:
"A long chain of cause and effect had led to my being where I was, and while this is true for everyone all the time, I knew it wasn't personal. It never is. And knowing this allowed me to soak in the entire spectacle.
I happened to be sitting on the divider between the buzzing north and southbound lanes of Interstate 5, California's busiest freeway... The water, the oil, the hydroplaning cars had made me one of the inevitable accident statistics of the day.
The sun hammered against the morning drizzle as I sat and watched drivers race past me. It was inspiring. Despite the wrecks of cars that lined their route, these drivers were still willing to flirt with the razor-sharp edge of Newton's unforgiving laws of motion. I found myself impressed, as I often am, by the unflinching optimism of the human spirit.
To my left, my freshly crumpled car was being raised into the air by a tow truck. I'd already done the ritualistic exchange of insurance information with the woman who had helped make my accident possible. She was perfectly nice, but we both knew our time together was fleeting. Although brief, our relationship was intense and memorable, which is more than many people share. ...
During our drive I realised what a deep spiritual practice being a tow truck driver could be. For someone so inclined, it would be impossible not to gain a profound perspective on life. Day after day you show up at scenes where, only moments earlier, fates of life and death had been dealt. ... Even simple scenes of people leaning against broken-down vehicles would continually reinforce the futility of resisting what is. ...
The principle being demonstrated crystallised in my mind: people do what they do. That's what they do. And that is it."
I've left a lot out, but the first chapter is all about accepting people for who they are and not attempting to force them to be someone they are not. I think it is equally important for us, ourselves, to try to understand who we are deep down. Not who our parents, friends, children or even who ***we*** want to be, but who we actually are.
Sure, we can learn a new skill, we can learn another language, move across the world, get a university degree or learn a trade... we can do many things but we do ourselves a great injustice if we try to be anything other than who we actually are in the core of our beings.
I am someone I don't really like (I'm awkward, say things that most people flinch at because they were thinking it but no one in their right mind would actually say such a thing, I'm intense, I'm a seeker, I am overweight but not obese, my moods are like the weather, etc etc) but I am someone that some people seem to like.
While lamenting about how much of an idiot I am (despite having a high IQ, I consider myself an idiot) the only friend of mine who doesn't mind going to the pub and having a pint said "look, you don't get it. When I describe you to my friends I say that you are like a force of nature." When I had to write a ditty for a volunteer position and needed to describe myself, I found it tough (I often only see the negative in myself) so I asked my friends. I got these adjectives back: trustworthy, loyal, dependable, conscientious, assertive, caring, tenacious. I asked people who would tell me straight if I were a jackass, so I was taken aback. I don't have many people I would consider friends. I have a lot of acquaintances and a lot of people who like me in small doses... every few years. :)
Anyway, I guess I need to see myself in a less biased manner. Not in my negative way and not in a Mary Poppins the world is filled with sunshine and roses all the time way, but in an objective way.
We all have things we need to work on and discover, but I'm glad I discovered this book. It is funny (which I love, life is difficult at times so it is important to keep it light, if possible) and it is making me think and reassess. So much to work on...
It could be that someone gave it to me, but I can't imagine who it would have been from that place. The last week or so in that job was so filled with anxiety and angst that all I remember doing is feeling like crap and wondering why things had turned as they had.
At any rate, I found this book so I thought there might be a reason for it. You may think me stark raving mad, but it wouldn't be the first time an object has simply appeared. It does not happen often, but it has happened. I normally dislike books that are 'spiritual' but seem to have been given 3 so far that are thought provoking if not actually interesting. Allow me to share a bit of this book:
"A long chain of cause and effect had led to my being where I was, and while this is true for everyone all the time, I knew it wasn't personal. It never is. And knowing this allowed me to soak in the entire spectacle.
I happened to be sitting on the divider between the buzzing north and southbound lanes of Interstate 5, California's busiest freeway... The water, the oil, the hydroplaning cars had made me one of the inevitable accident statistics of the day.
The sun hammered against the morning drizzle as I sat and watched drivers race past me. It was inspiring. Despite the wrecks of cars that lined their route, these drivers were still willing to flirt with the razor-sharp edge of Newton's unforgiving laws of motion. I found myself impressed, as I often am, by the unflinching optimism of the human spirit.
To my left, my freshly crumpled car was being raised into the air by a tow truck. I'd already done the ritualistic exchange of insurance information with the woman who had helped make my accident possible. She was perfectly nice, but we both knew our time together was fleeting. Although brief, our relationship was intense and memorable, which is more than many people share. ...
During our drive I realised what a deep spiritual practice being a tow truck driver could be. For someone so inclined, it would be impossible not to gain a profound perspective on life. Day after day you show up at scenes where, only moments earlier, fates of life and death had been dealt. ... Even simple scenes of people leaning against broken-down vehicles would continually reinforce the futility of resisting what is. ...
The principle being demonstrated crystallised in my mind: people do what they do. That's what they do. And that is it."
I've left a lot out, but the first chapter is all about accepting people for who they are and not attempting to force them to be someone they are not. I think it is equally important for us, ourselves, to try to understand who we are deep down. Not who our parents, friends, children or even who ***we*** want to be, but who we actually are.
Sure, we can learn a new skill, we can learn another language, move across the world, get a university degree or learn a trade... we can do many things but we do ourselves a great injustice if we try to be anything other than who we actually are in the core of our beings.
I am someone I don't really like (I'm awkward, say things that most people flinch at because they were thinking it but no one in their right mind would actually say such a thing, I'm intense, I'm a seeker, I am overweight but not obese, my moods are like the weather, etc etc) but I am someone that some people seem to like.
While lamenting about how much of an idiot I am (despite having a high IQ, I consider myself an idiot) the only friend of mine who doesn't mind going to the pub and having a pint said "look, you don't get it. When I describe you to my friends I say that you are like a force of nature." When I had to write a ditty for a volunteer position and needed to describe myself, I found it tough (I often only see the negative in myself) so I asked my friends. I got these adjectives back: trustworthy, loyal, dependable, conscientious, assertive, caring, tenacious. I asked people who would tell me straight if I were a jackass, so I was taken aback. I don't have many people I would consider friends. I have a lot of acquaintances and a lot of people who like me in small doses... every few years. :)
Anyway, I guess I need to see myself in a less biased manner. Not in my negative way and not in a Mary Poppins the world is filled with sunshine and roses all the time way, but in an objective way.
We all have things we need to work on and discover, but I'm glad I discovered this book. It is funny (which I love, life is difficult at times so it is important to keep it light, if possible) and it is making me think and reassess. So much to work on...
2.3.11
Artois the Goat
Yes, yes, yes... I know I said I would knock off movie watching, and I have, however I did watch this yesterday. It is a low-budget comedy that is mental fluff and I have to say I giggled through it. I actually giggled :D with my favourite characters being the k-9 officer and handler as well as Artois the goat, of course.
It is worth spending the 106 or so minutes if you are in the right frame of mind for a slightly stupid and fluffy movie.
It is worth spending the 106 or so minutes if you are in the right frame of mind for a slightly stupid and fluffy movie.
1.3.11
In the eyes of Anahita
Well, I knocked off watching as many movies and have been reading instead. I read the book title (above) and it brought a few things to mind. The story line is basically about a business man who inadvertently goes on a search for answers posed by his son.
While the book did not resonate entirely, some parts did. For example, there were a series of 'coincidences' that took place which the character begins to realise are leading him in a specific direction. That, I concur full heartedly. There are things that happen which have and do lead me in directions that are entirely baffling. I still distinctly recall following the internal prompt to turn right here, left, right, straight...... LOOK ON YOUR LEFT. Low and behold there was an ex-boyfriend of mine, my first love in fact, moving house. How the hell do you explain yourself as you seem to be stalking someone you had no idea lived in a location? Or, on a whim, walking down a back alley in Seoul when I normally travelled on the front streets and bumping into a guy I went to elementary school with. How does one understand what it all means to randomly bump into someone in a country half way around the world (and this isn't the only time that has happened)?
Now that I understand that these 'chance' meetings and coincidences actually have meaning and are not just weird WTF moments, perhaps I am better equipped to see them for what they are. Guideposts and hints.
Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? There are tons of people who come read these words of mine, and I am seeking like minds and people on the same path.
While the book did not resonate entirely, some parts did. For example, there were a series of 'coincidences' that took place which the character begins to realise are leading him in a specific direction. That, I concur full heartedly. There are things that happen which have and do lead me in directions that are entirely baffling. I still distinctly recall following the internal prompt to turn right here, left, right, straight...... LOOK ON YOUR LEFT. Low and behold there was an ex-boyfriend of mine, my first love in fact, moving house. How the hell do you explain yourself as you seem to be stalking someone you had no idea lived in a location? Or, on a whim, walking down a back alley in Seoul when I normally travelled on the front streets and bumping into a guy I went to elementary school with. How does one understand what it all means to randomly bump into someone in a country half way around the world (and this isn't the only time that has happened)?
Now that I understand that these 'chance' meetings and coincidences actually have meaning and are not just weird WTF moments, perhaps I am better equipped to see them for what they are. Guideposts and hints.
Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? There are tons of people who come read these words of mine, and I am seeking like minds and people on the same path.